The Undead Gateway Thread

[MetallicaCougs]

you are going to your sisters shower? isn't it usually no boys allowed?

[sonza68]

That was her first shower. This the couples shower, or something like that, which is for everyone. 2 showers, the wedding and then a reception spread out over 4 months, I think she's trying to bleed everyone dry.

[MaverickFlyer]

I want to goto Chicago this weekend. The Bears Vs. Forty Niners!!!

[sonza68]

9ers are goin down.

[sonza68]

A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black."

A second little boy says,"Trees are definitely green."

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY **** my pants!"

[sonza68]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming."
What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts ."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

[sonza68]

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute
blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if
you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to
the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But
let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the
same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow
turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest
idea.

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified
to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?

[sonza68]

A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation. He asks, "Where are you flying to today?"

She responds, "To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." His mind reeling, he asks, "And what do you do at this meeting?"

"Well," she says, "We try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"And what myths are those?" he continues, choking back his excitement.

She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American man who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish decent who make the best lovers."

"Very interesting..." the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?"

The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto........Tonto Goldstein."

[sonza68]

This one won't be funny if you don't know calculus.

So e^x and a constant are walking down the street on their way to the bar. They come to an alley and are about to cut through it when deep in the shadows the constant spies a derivitive operator. He looks at e^x and says, "e^x, we can't go this way! There's a derivitive operator lurking down there! If he get's a hold of me, I'll turn into nothing!"

e^x chuckles a little bit and replies, "Don't worry little buddy, I'm e^x. When a derivitive operator gets a hold of me, I remain the same." And so e^x strolled right up to that derivitive operator and said, "Hello there. I'm e^x."

The derivitive operator replied, "Hello. I'm d/dy."

[sonza68]

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he is being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. "Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?"

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.

The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"