This is it I guess....
Posted 03-17-2008 at 01:47 PM by wadespencer99
I'm not one for blogging.
I'm not one for talking to others much about myself, and I'm certainly not one to talk about relationship problems. This, however, isn't a typical "omfg-i-put-it-in-her-ass-and-now-she-loves-me" post from a 17 year old and I have to get this off my chest. If you don't like it, don't read it, and don't respond to it. Actually, I don't care if anyone responds to it or not...I just have to get this out. Maybe typing it out will help me straighten out some of my own thoughts. Ugh.
My wife and I are separating. It looks very surreal in text like that. It's something I never thought I'd see myself saying, thought it's been coming for a long time now.
We have been together for 13 years (we started dating when we were 17), and married for 5. We met in our senior year of high school though a mutual friend and started dating. We had already been accepted to the same college, but we lived in separate dorms and didn't really have any of the same classes after the first semester. After two years, we both dropped out. I was an El Ed major and she a sociology major. I realized I didn't like kids, and she didn't know what she was ever going to do with the degree and wanted something more practical. I enrolled at another university and got my degree in communication/broadcasting and she enrolled in cosmetology school finishing up with her teaching degree in it.
We never saw each other, and I think this is when things started to go down hill for us.
There are two reasons for that. One is that we both wracked up a considerable amount of debt in college, both because neither of us were very smart about money, and because our parents, though extremely hard workers, weren't well enough off to help us out at all. Because of the debt we ended up working...ALOT. The other reasons is that we are both workaholics anyway, so even without the debt I'm not sure we would've taken that much time for each other.
While we were in school (the second time around) She was going to school and working full time to pay for it. I was in college, working in a mountain bike shop, and bartending at two bars, all while running my DJ business on the weekends. We never saw each other, and when we did we were so tired, burned out, and broke that we never did anything anyway.
After graduation I got a job working for as a video editor for a local electronics reseller called Kingdom, which as I'm sure many of your have gathered, I despise greatly. The pay sucks...I could make more working at a mcdonalds. This does not help the debt problem. I quit bartending, but still DJ and do a lot of side work for bands and stuff, so I'm still a workaholic, but I'm just not on someone's time clock as much as used to be.
She finished school and got two jobs in a city about an hour away from where we lived. She'd leave the house at around 7 am and work in a cosmetology retail store during the day, and leave and teach the night class at cosmetology school on tues, wed, and thurs nights, getting home around 11:30. Fri and Sat night, she was still working at the restaurant. Now, we NEVER saw each other. Ever.
It was like this for about two years, and I think this is when we really started to drift apart.
Some thoughts here.
It's ridiculous to think that a 31 year old is going to be the same person they were when they were 17. Thinking back on it, I'm not really sure what we saw in each other...or why we started dating. I'm not sure that we had that much in common then either, other than what most 17 year olds do...planning for graduation, college, some mutual friends, etc. We were attracted to each other and liked each others company. It's just like we never broke up.
I think that when two people go from ages 17 to 31 together their personalities develop together as one as they turn into adults. It's like they make the transition from adolescence to adulthood together. Because we have spent so much time apart, we didn't make that transition together, and along the way we became very different people. We don't really have anything at all in common anymore. Sure, we like a little bit of the same music, tv shows, and movies, but 8 million people like the show "House"...it doesn't mean they have enough in common to be married. I like the bar scene, drinking, rock and hip hop music, and she hates all that. Even though I'm generally a cynical bastard that hates the general population I'm more of a social person. She is only really outgoing with her very small group of friends, none of which I am also friends with. We have no mutual friends really....at all. The girl that set us up initially is her best friend from high school, and also works here at Kingdom. She an idiot, and I want to throw her off the roof.
The present schedule we have is that I work Monday through Friday from 'whenever-i-get-there' to 5pm at Kingdom, then Friday nights, Saturday afternoons, and Saturday nights DJing, depending on what bookings I have. She works Tuesday through Saturday from 2pm to 10pm cooking at a restaurant, and works the mornings in a dayspa doing skin care and related such things. So while I get home at 5:30pm, she isn't home until 10:30-11:00.
It's been this way for a couple years now. I'm bored, I'm lonely, and I'm just completely and totally burned out of it. We haven't been happy in long time. We haven't been on a vacation since our honeymoon 5 years ago. Sure, we have our holidays together (Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving)..usually dinner at our parents house, but we don't ever have the time to go on dates with our schedules being so different. I usually spend my nights sitting in a bar because I'm so tired of sitting at home by myself like I have been for the past 5 years. I don't really feel like I get much joy out of anything, but I'm not sure what the answer is. I've been DJing for 10 years now, and I'm so burned out doing it I could shove a microphone in my eye, just so I could spend a saturday night in an ER, which would be an improvement than being behind a mixer in a ****ty bar with drunk retarded wh0res asking for stupid songs. Have you heard "Ramalama"?? Oh my ****ing god, please stab me in the taint. Please?
About a year and a half ago we started talking about separating, and agreed that we just didn't seem to have anything in common anymore. I brought it up. I remember her comment being "Well, I'm not telling you that you trapped, but I' not giving up". Well, I didn't want to give up either, but I just don't feel like we have anything else to try. She used the analogy that she feels like we are two magnets repelling each other...getting so close together, but never being able to connect. I feel like we are just spinning our wheels, and if we caught traction we'd end up going facefirst into a brick wall...being held back by our schedules, likes, dislikes, lack of mutual friends, lack of commonality, etc., etc.
I know marriage is a full time job AND a commitment you enter into 'till death do you part', and I whole-heartedly entered into knowing that. It isn't supposed to be easy, is it? I never expected it to be. While I love her and care about her, and I know she feels the same, it sometimes just feels like I'm spending my life with a random person, not someone I share everything with.
I never wanted kids. She did at one point, once all her friends starting spitting them out, but told me she changed her mind. Sometimes I wonder that if we would have started cranking out kids when we were 21 everything would be ok now, as we'd have that holding us together.
I don't feel like a very good person. I feel like I'm throwing away the last 13 years of her life due to my own selfishness. I'm not sure why I feel selfish, considering I don't even know what I want out of life myself. The last thing I want to do is hurt her. She is a terrific person and doesn't deserve it. She hasn't done anything wrong...we are just two different people moving in two different directions. I feel like I should just suck it up and be miserable to spare her pain and suffereing. She said herself though that "we suck as a married couple" and "we'll be better off as friends". It's probably true. It just sucks.
She made the decision yesterday that she is going to move into the guest room at her parents new house. She can't afford to be on her own (I'm not sure I can either). I've been wondering what the next step is for a long time...I guess this is it. It just seems so real now.
Neither of blame each other for any of this, and while we're both torn up and sad over it, we just feel like we've done everything we can (though we're still asking ourselves if we really have) to try and save it. There is just no spark there...no chemistry anymore. We love each other....but sometimes that just isn't enough.
I usually deal pretty well with change, but goddammit, I'm scared ****less.
I'm not one for talking to others much about myself, and I'm certainly not one to talk about relationship problems. This, however, isn't a typical "omfg-i-put-it-in-her-ass-and-now-she-loves-me" post from a 17 year old and I have to get this off my chest. If you don't like it, don't read it, and don't respond to it. Actually, I don't care if anyone responds to it or not...I just have to get this out. Maybe typing it out will help me straighten out some of my own thoughts. Ugh.
My wife and I are separating. It looks very surreal in text like that. It's something I never thought I'd see myself saying, thought it's been coming for a long time now.
We have been together for 13 years (we started dating when we were 17), and married for 5. We met in our senior year of high school though a mutual friend and started dating. We had already been accepted to the same college, but we lived in separate dorms and didn't really have any of the same classes after the first semester. After two years, we both dropped out. I was an El Ed major and she a sociology major. I realized I didn't like kids, and she didn't know what she was ever going to do with the degree and wanted something more practical. I enrolled at another university and got my degree in communication/broadcasting and she enrolled in cosmetology school finishing up with her teaching degree in it.
We never saw each other, and I think this is when things started to go down hill for us.
There are two reasons for that. One is that we both wracked up a considerable amount of debt in college, both because neither of us were very smart about money, and because our parents, though extremely hard workers, weren't well enough off to help us out at all. Because of the debt we ended up working...ALOT. The other reasons is that we are both workaholics anyway, so even without the debt I'm not sure we would've taken that much time for each other.
While we were in school (the second time around) She was going to school and working full time to pay for it. I was in college, working in a mountain bike shop, and bartending at two bars, all while running my DJ business on the weekends. We never saw each other, and when we did we were so tired, burned out, and broke that we never did anything anyway.
After graduation I got a job working for as a video editor for a local electronics reseller called Kingdom, which as I'm sure many of your have gathered, I despise greatly. The pay sucks...I could make more working at a mcdonalds. This does not help the debt problem. I quit bartending, but still DJ and do a lot of side work for bands and stuff, so I'm still a workaholic, but I'm just not on someone's time clock as much as used to be.
She finished school and got two jobs in a city about an hour away from where we lived. She'd leave the house at around 7 am and work in a cosmetology retail store during the day, and leave and teach the night class at cosmetology school on tues, wed, and thurs nights, getting home around 11:30. Fri and Sat night, she was still working at the restaurant. Now, we NEVER saw each other. Ever.
It was like this for about two years, and I think this is when we really started to drift apart.
Some thoughts here.
It's ridiculous to think that a 31 year old is going to be the same person they were when they were 17. Thinking back on it, I'm not really sure what we saw in each other...or why we started dating. I'm not sure that we had that much in common then either, other than what most 17 year olds do...planning for graduation, college, some mutual friends, etc. We were attracted to each other and liked each others company. It's just like we never broke up.
I think that when two people go from ages 17 to 31 together their personalities develop together as one as they turn into adults. It's like they make the transition from adolescence to adulthood together. Because we have spent so much time apart, we didn't make that transition together, and along the way we became very different people. We don't really have anything at all in common anymore. Sure, we like a little bit of the same music, tv shows, and movies, but 8 million people like the show "House"...it doesn't mean they have enough in common to be married. I like the bar scene, drinking, rock and hip hop music, and she hates all that. Even though I'm generally a cynical bastard that hates the general population I'm more of a social person. She is only really outgoing with her very small group of friends, none of which I am also friends with. We have no mutual friends really....at all. The girl that set us up initially is her best friend from high school, and also works here at Kingdom. She an idiot, and I want to throw her off the roof.
The present schedule we have is that I work Monday through Friday from 'whenever-i-get-there' to 5pm at Kingdom, then Friday nights, Saturday afternoons, and Saturday nights DJing, depending on what bookings I have. She works Tuesday through Saturday from 2pm to 10pm cooking at a restaurant, and works the mornings in a dayspa doing skin care and related such things. So while I get home at 5:30pm, she isn't home until 10:30-11:00.
It's been this way for a couple years now. I'm bored, I'm lonely, and I'm just completely and totally burned out of it. We haven't been happy in long time. We haven't been on a vacation since our honeymoon 5 years ago. Sure, we have our holidays together (Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving)..usually dinner at our parents house, but we don't ever have the time to go on dates with our schedules being so different. I usually spend my nights sitting in a bar because I'm so tired of sitting at home by myself like I have been for the past 5 years. I don't really feel like I get much joy out of anything, but I'm not sure what the answer is. I've been DJing for 10 years now, and I'm so burned out doing it I could shove a microphone in my eye, just so I could spend a saturday night in an ER, which would be an improvement than being behind a mixer in a ****ty bar with drunk retarded wh0res asking for stupid songs. Have you heard "Ramalama"?? Oh my ****ing god, please stab me in the taint. Please?
About a year and a half ago we started talking about separating, and agreed that we just didn't seem to have anything in common anymore. I brought it up. I remember her comment being "Well, I'm not telling you that you trapped, but I' not giving up". Well, I didn't want to give up either, but I just don't feel like we have anything else to try. She used the analogy that she feels like we are two magnets repelling each other...getting so close together, but never being able to connect. I feel like we are just spinning our wheels, and if we caught traction we'd end up going facefirst into a brick wall...being held back by our schedules, likes, dislikes, lack of mutual friends, lack of commonality, etc., etc.
I know marriage is a full time job AND a commitment you enter into 'till death do you part', and I whole-heartedly entered into knowing that. It isn't supposed to be easy, is it? I never expected it to be. While I love her and care about her, and I know she feels the same, it sometimes just feels like I'm spending my life with a random person, not someone I share everything with.
I never wanted kids. She did at one point, once all her friends starting spitting them out, but told me she changed her mind. Sometimes I wonder that if we would have started cranking out kids when we were 21 everything would be ok now, as we'd have that holding us together.
I don't feel like a very good person. I feel like I'm throwing away the last 13 years of her life due to my own selfishness. I'm not sure why I feel selfish, considering I don't even know what I want out of life myself. The last thing I want to do is hurt her. She is a terrific person and doesn't deserve it. She hasn't done anything wrong...we are just two different people moving in two different directions. I feel like I should just suck it up and be miserable to spare her pain and suffereing. She said herself though that "we suck as a married couple" and "we'll be better off as friends". It's probably true. It just sucks.
She made the decision yesterday that she is going to move into the guest room at her parents new house. She can't afford to be on her own (I'm not sure I can either). I've been wondering what the next step is for a long time...I guess this is it. It just seems so real now.
Neither of blame each other for any of this, and while we're both torn up and sad over it, we just feel like we've done everything we can (though we're still asking ourselves if we really have) to try and save it. There is just no spark there...no chemistry anymore. We love each other....but sometimes that just isn't enough.
I usually deal pretty well with change, but goddammit, I'm scared ****less.
Total Comments 3
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You can't edit these damn things
 A few other thoughts... We both know that there are a lot of worse reasons for marriages to fail (abuse, infidelity, drug and alcohol addition, etc, etc...) and it almost feels stupid to separate for a reason like this one, but it just feels like we have nothing left...no chemistry, no spark, nothing. While we feel like we've lived the last 13 years just waiting to be normal it just feels like it's never, ever going to happen. Even if it did...what would we do? For example, I mentioned one of the problems is our schedules. Well, if either us switched shifts somehow (have no idea how that could happen) so we could spend more time together, at this point we don't know what we do with each other. We'd probably end up doing our own things anyway and be bored out of minds with each other, which is how it feels on the few Sundays and Monday nights when we are together. We don't talk, we don't interact...we don't do anything. I always feel like I'm just sitting there waiting for Monday to come so I can go to work and be miserable, and that usually winds up with me drinking. Another note...while I'm greatly appreciating the PMs I'm getting on this, please don't think I"m posting this for sympathy. I don't feel like I have a lot of close personal friends that I see much, and I just HAD to get this stuff off my chest - it helped a lot to type it out and get my thoughts organized. I think it will either help me find a solution, or realize that separation and ultimately divorce is the only option left in order for both of us to be happy someday. |
 
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I never wanted kids. She did at one point, once all her friends starting spitting them out, but told me she changed her mind. Sometimes I wonder that if we would have started cranking out kids when we were 21 everything would be ok now, as we'd have that holding us together.
Be happy knowing that you are 31 and can still get out there and find something else. Sure, you are leaving a 13 year relationship, but from what you have mentioned, it sounds like in recent years you've been more "pals" than anything. You can't change the past, but can start a new future. Someone's out there for ya waders... |
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I've been dealing with a similar sitution myself Wade. Although, I'm only 3 years and 3 months into my marriage, my wife and I have really grown to like opposite things. It probably doesn't help that in the first 2 years of our marriage we were seperated 3 times due to deployments.
I was about to call it quits this past Sunday. She's got her stuff going on and I have my stuff and we keep butting heads. So, in all due respect, I hear ya man! It sucks but what else can you do? |
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Recent Blog Entries by wadespencer99
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