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Originally Posted by Uncyclopedia

Origins:
Some say Ditka was never born, some say Ditka always was. Those that say he was born are wrong. Ditka always has been, since the beginning of time there was gas, light, a little bit of firmament, Chuck Norris, and Ditka. For the first couple of billion years Ditka was bored, of course Ditka can fly around and stuff, there really wasn’t much to see. You can only see so many nebulas before they become old, not to mention nebulas are really wishy-washy astral formations who talk a lot of smack but never deliver. But that’s beside the point.

Originally Posted by Uncyclopedia

Ditka meets the NFL:
Then the NFL was formed and as a tribute to the mighty Ditka they named a team after him, The Bears. And of course Ditka’s ultimate enemies (besides communism, Nazis, zombies, zombie Nazis, Butkus, and the devil) appeared out of the wood works: The Packers. Of course, they were just about the worst team ever for about…forever. To be fair though, they were better than the Bucks. To call someone a Buck fan is simply uncalled for.

Ditka then led his all-star team of The Bears to their victorious 1985 season, where they defeated every single football team known to man, including several that didn’t even exist yet. The Texan’s actually lost fifteen games this years because The Bears were that good in 1985. They also won the pennant and the Stanley Cup, as well as some jive soccer award that no one cares about. Many committed seppuku just because they knew they would never amount to that level of greatness.

Though because of Ditka’s glorious victory he gained much more attention than was normal for such a powerful natural force. One such stalker-lite was the evil Corporation. No one is sure what the Corporation does, other than it’s evil. So they tried to clone Ditka from a discarded Gatorade cup. The cloning was a success. And by success I meant failure. Better things happened during the Battan Death March. What they bread was not Ditka but the bastard son of Ditka. So the Corporation, not knowing the sub par work of their evil, took the Ditka clone and made him coach the New Orleans Saints, the second evilest football team of all time. What happened was a disaster. Clone Ditka’s team didn’t win the Super bowl. And now the Clone Ditka waits for death taking out hair gel and Hefty Bag ads.

It should have been obvious to the insidious Corporation. Ditka’s greatness cannot be cloned. It’s like cloning Jesus, what’s the point? It’s not the same Jesus. Or the same Ditka.

That is a brief history on the great force that is Ditka. Every American should know it, as well as any Canadian defect that has the courage to escape from behind the Maple Curtain. Ditka is like CIA agents, custodians, or Solid Snake, defending the world from unseen evils, like terrorists or feminists. There are a thousand untold chapters about the great Ditka, this is four of them. Bears. Just da Bears.